FACTS ABOUT DOMESTIC ABUSE

• Domestic abuse occurs within a pattern of coercive behavior. The motivation behind abuse is power and control.
• Abuse can be verbal, emotional, physical or sexual. Tactics used by the abuser include economic abuse, coercion and threats, intimidation, isolation, using children, using male privilege, minimizing, denying, and blaming. The victim will change his/her behavior to deal with the current tactic. Often the abuser switches tactics when the victim learns to respond to one type of attack. When the struggle to challenge the abuser becomes too exhausting or too dangerous, the victim begins to modify his/her behavior - giving up control of her/his life in order to avoid further abuse.
• A large part of the pattern of abuse is the victim being isolated from other support systems, such as family and friends. Either the abuser does not allow the victim to see other people, or the abuser makes it very unpleasant for others to spend time with the victim.
• The victim often believes it is safer to stay in the relationship and be able to see where the next blow will come from, rather than leave and watch her/his back at all times. The most dangerous time for the victim is when she or he tries to leave the relationship.
• The question is not "Why does she stay?" The question is "What are the obstacles that prevent her from leaving?" These obstacles may include economic dependence on the abuser, fear for her/his safety and the safety of children, family, etc., low self-esteem, beliefs about marriage, belief that he or she is the only one who can help the abuser, belief that he/she will find her/him no matter what she/he does to try to leave, lack of options and resources, fear, and threats against others.

The victim is trying to stay alive!